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Are Parents responsible for their son/daughter marriage? To what extent?

Contemporary Debate

Please see this correspondence between my student Dr Nazmun Nahar, Associate Professor North South University and me(Shah Abdul Hannan)

This is a subject we should continuously pursue to save the West and the world from the debauchery , promiscuousness and indignity the society faces, particularly the girls We have to relentlessly write and mobilize to save all from this scourge.

If the West has to get rid of promiscutious relations, restoration of sanctity of marriage, restoration of fidelity and confidence in family and husband-wife relationship, they will have to give up the present dis-honorable system and go back to their own Christian/ Jewish values or adopt Islamic teachings in this regard

I may mention that I wrote the following letter( slightly changed ) to Dr Nazmun Nahar, President of Witness-Pioneer International young scholars group who is in Canada and who completed her studies in the US for her opinion on a sensetive but a very important and relevant subject.I sent copies to many for their observation.

Dear Nazmun Nahar,

Assalamu Alaikum.I had discussion with two ladies here on a subject which they know well. In concversation with them, it came out that " western girls are in serious dis-advantage compared to Muslim girls in the Muslim countries in the matter of marriage. In most cases this responsibility of marriage of children is not taken by parents or senior relations by culture that has developed there in the West over a hundred years.As a result both girls / boys look for their husband /wife.In doing so the girls are in serious dis-advantage. Without any hope of stable relation,in dating usually the boys want the body of the girl and usually or in most cases she has to succumb( if she has to find a husband), it is the boys who are mostly responsible for this pre-marital adultery or sex.This goes on and on till a partner is finalized.It makes girls a commodity of sort which is so de- meaning for the girls and the community ,whether they realise it or not.

Further, even after marriage in such conditions, the promiscuous behavior remain ingrained.Only marriage arranged by parents or relations with consent of the girl or boy is the solution as has been prescribed by Islam.". It also came out in discussion that there is no problem if the boy or girl choose their partner in the course of normal social interaction and suggest parents their choice, the parents should comply unless it is too bad and injurious for the girl or boy or family.Please give your opinion on this issue. 

Dr Nazmun Nahar, after a lot of thought has responded as follows-----------------
Assalamu aliakum,

I would like to share my thoughts with you regarding some aspects of marriage in islam and parents responsibility in finding the partner for their son/daughter. I agree with his observation in the first para of his letter 

In reply to my teacher/uncle Shah Abdul Hannan's comments " if a boy and a girl meet each other in their public social interaction and decide to marry each other and inform their parents and they agree ,it is fine in Islam. But there should not be secret and continuous meetings.
In any case the responsibility is essentially of the parents to find out partners for their children and this is good subject to consent .This is helpful in better selection, protection from emotion, protection from lust and harmony in the family ..", following are my comments:
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I believe the underlined part needs more explanation . Here is what I like to add:

In muslim societies now a days, more and more boys and girls are
making efforts to choose their own partners. However, after they
decide that they want to get married , they place that proposal to
their parents. Marriage takes place after the parents give conscent .
So the marriage is actually taking place with the consent of the
parents, its only who made the first attempt to find the partner. I
dont think Islam has any problem with that as long as the boy/girl
maintain islamic ettiquette. In few cases, the parents do not give
consent and thats when the problem arises. In these cases, both side
should talk openly and try to reach a consensus.

I find it beneficial for the future partners to talk/discuss before they get married to make sure they are compatible to each other. There is no islamic prohibition to having discussion with potential life partner before marriage. Specially this is very important for socially active muslim women as most of the time they find them in a marriage where the husband is not co-operative to their islamic work. The husband can
be very pious but not open enough towards islamic work.

Now comes the question of parents responsibility. Depending on the status of the parents (whether they are islamic or not), one can decide if the parents decision is binding on the son/daughter or whether conscent is necessary. I have seen many girls/boys who are practicing muslims but their parents are not. In these cases, even though the girls/boys want to find partners who are islamic, the parents dont and the conflicts arise. In these cases, from my understanding it is not binding on the girls/boys to follow their parents desire.

So what I am trying to convey is, when we talk about parents responsibility, we are right but if we want to talk about the obligation of the children to follow that, it largely depends on the islamic status of the children/parents, and their mental and rational compatibility.

massalam
--Nazmun

I wrote in reply------------------------------------------------
I have no disagreement in essence with Dr Nahar.Only point is that the present western system is seriously demeaning and disgraceful for girls, it makes them a commodity.We should not do anything which will in effect destroy Islam's gracious system which is helpful in better selection, protection from emotion, protection from lust and harmony in the family .

Clearly in Islam it has been made incumbent on guardians and /or parents to find out their life partner.This is so much important.Of course, the Prophet has encouraged boys and girls to see their future life-partner and this should be done in an appropriate Islamic manner.The basic issues in this matter are consent of the boy and the girl, consent of the parents/guardians and avoid anything which leads to adultery and promiscuity.

If the West has to get rid of promiscutious relations, restoration of sanctity of marriage, restoration of fidelity and confidence in family and husband-wife relationship, they will have to give up the present dis-honorable system and go back to their own Christian/ Jewish values or adopt Islamic teachings in this regard

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